Customer Review for the Year 2017

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1 out of 5 stars  

I didn't order this product. I explicitly asked for the female version of this year, but I guess this company operates like one of those restaurants where the chef tells you what you want and you either eat it or starve, although I probably would have preferred to just go hungry if I could have figured out how to send this year back. I couldn't. So here we are. 

What can I say about this year? Well, look, it arrived on time. It came when it was supposed to. It was just the wrong damn one. But okay, I thought, this is the year I've received. I'll give it a chance. 

I opened the box, only to find that the instructions were in a language I don't speak and vital parts were missing, though I think they gave me a factory's worth of screws. I put them in jars all around my house -- screws here, screws there, screws from floor to ceiling. For some reason they’ve just kept coming. At first they arrived on Mondays, a recurring order I did not place, with a simple note that said: Supplementary Screws. Now they come almost daily. I wake up to a notification on my phone that today's screws have arrived, and sure enough, when I open the door, there they are, piled high on my front porch. I have had to clear out my books for the screws. I have had to empty my pantry. The TV is now mounted on the ceiling, but at this rate, that too will be obstructed, and I'm not sure what I'll do when I can no longer escape this year and all its fucking screws for twenty-two minutes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine or, on the worst days, a Stranger Things marathon (1984 was an okay year, just saying).

I tried to make lemonade from lemons, so to speak. I have seventeen pairs of screw earrings and a screw garland that almost looks like tinsel except for how it weighs down the branches of my Christmas tree. Surprisingly, my kids have grown tired of screwing and unscrewing screws into blocks of wood. 

Pretty much everyone I know who ordered this year is somewhere between disappointed and fucking livid. I mean, why have the female option if you're just gonna send this crap? I got a more screws than a human could ever need, but I guess I should be happy I got something at all. My friend ordered this year, and the delivery guy showed up and took her husband. Another friend had her college degree revoked. My doctor ordered this year, and it came with a contract that forbids her from saying symptoms, pain, health, medicine, sorry, help, what do you think, and woman. My mother ordered this year, and she no longer sleeps, ever. Which is why I just keep stacking up these screws and getting rid of our furniture, the cookware, the kids' toys. I'm almost afraid of what happens when the screws stop coming. Then what? My house burns down?

I did try to call about the mix up. I called daily for a few months. Emailed. Faxed. I even tweeted. You know, in elementary school, we had a letter writing unit. We wrote letters to companies, explaining that something had been defective with their product. We complained that we got a package of M&Ms that didn't have any red ones. A couple weeks later, our teacher gave us all M&Ms supposedly sent from the Mars company in response to our letters. I remember thinking, Writing letters can get me candy! Well, obviously the world has changed, or else Ms. Griggs was setting us all up for crushing disappointment because I have never felt more handily ignored than this long stretch I’ve spent trying to contact an actual person with actual human feelings and the ability to do something about this terrible year.

Was I expecting something as satisfying as free candy in my daily practice of speaking into the void? Maybe at first, sure. A "Terribly sorry! While we try to locate the year you actually ordered, please enjoy this Kit Kat!" honestly would have gone a long way. But all my efforts to try to rectify this mix up have yielded nothing. Just screws. 

Well, and this weird, ominous feeling that I'm drowning and burning alive simultaneously. Others have reported this, so I know I'm not just losing my mind. There's a sort of constant buzzing to 2017. Sometimes I can tune it out, but other times it's so loud I can't even hear myself crying over it. (I cry a lot more now.) For a while I thought I could fix the buzzing, like maybe I could just... change the station? But the package it came in didn't include any dials or switches, and I haven't figured out how to fashion anything workable from all these screws. (And yes, I tried turning it off and back on, assholes. As far as I can tell, it operates with its own, mysterious power source. If I could just unplug it and live in some kind of tangential Upside Down year, I would.)

I almost can't believe I'm ordering another year from this joke of a business. But, well, what other option is there really? I can't keep 2017. I just can't. Somehow, the options are bleaker now than they were last year -- not even a female version offered this time. (You know women make up half the population, right? And that men would benefit from the female version, too?) There are some lovely accessories available that could improve this model and supposedly a potentially big upgrade with 2018, but… I’ve obviously been burned before.

Just a suggestion: if I'm going to have to assemble this shit-show myself, the least y'all could do is throw in some kind of guarantee that if it explodes or melts down you'll at least go back to the 2016 model. I could live with that one.