The Ten Year Journey
Life is cyclical. Seasons change as our planet orbits around the Sun. Miniature universes inside of us mirror the external universe, creating parallel shifts that uncover the layers of wounding in the macro and the micro. All is orbiting as we get galactically boosted into other realms in order to assist us in our deepest desires of healing.
I started a new cycle the summer that I turned 22. I had just read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho which sparked something in my spirit to set off on a journey. I had left college behind in my senior year with one semester to go, but I didn’t care: I was seeking something. In the book, the main character has two pebbles, Urim and Thumimm, which he can consult to make tough decisions. One is yes and one is no. He actually never uses them because he wants to decide things for himself. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone, so I used this method when confronted with a spontaneous opportunity to go to Bonaroo, a gigantic music festival that takes place every June in Tennessee. In the living room of my childhood home, with my youngest brother and my mom present, I chose Urim, yes, and so I went.
I left my whole family behind, who I didn’t feel very connected to anyway since I had been away at college, and before that I was dealing with a lot of pain concerning them that none of us were able to express. I left them behind metaphorically as well. You see, me turning 22 sparked a need for adventure; while the very same year was traumatic and soul-rendering for my brother Vincent. He lost his best friend Wesley, no one fought for him, and everyone abandoned him, including me. But I didn’t realize that then.
It took me a whole month to return to New Mexico because I detoured to Illinois with someone I met at Bonaroo who taught me not to give a fuck about what anyone else thought and just do what I wanted. This was a radical shift for me. I thought "Sure those mid-westerners had too much stuff and exploited the earth with their endless consumerism, but fuck it! This was fun!"
I then went on to St. Louis to visit another someone I knew, who introduced me to the Lakota-style sweat-lodge with the love that only comes from a Lion’s heart, since he was a Leo. He was a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit also seeking something real amidst the monotony of the Midwest. He showed me that community could exist around a ritual of communing with spirit. His dad helped me get home by buying me a bus ticket to Denver (to stop me from getting a ride through Craigslist) and finally an old homie from high school drove me to my door.
"I chose Urim, yes, and so I went. "
- Melina Laroza
Home was still a convoluted concept filled with much pain and confusion and non-resolution, so I didn’t stay long. A month or two later I set off to stay with my best friend from childhood at her and her boyfriend (now husband’s) house in San Jose, CA. I tried to make it in San Francisco, having their place as my home base and going into the city to look for jobs and inspiration, but none came so I moved on. I traveled up the coast, not really knowing what I was doing but felt something pulling me onward.
I was living in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, a place that holds so many memories, my stomach turns when I think about it. That’s where I got married to someone whom I didn’t love and who didn’t really care about me. Then I met Matthew. All the stones laid out the path perfectly to end up there and meet this man. I would have my children with him, and I would separate from him six years later. My heart would be demolished, my spirit broken, my entire life would be turned upside down cataclysmically, but when I met him, I thought I was complete and all was right in the universe. I thought I was home.
(Inner reflection)…I suppose I’d always been looking for home outside of myself, specifically in a place or in a man. That hasn’t worked. All of my relationships have failed fantastically, and it’s the thing I’ve always wanted the very most—home, commitment, family. Tribe. My relationship with Matthew taught me how unsettled I was in myself, how insecure, how willing I was to give my power away. Thankfully, I will never, ever do that again. It goes against the highest code that I subscribe to, it goes against believing in myself as a strong and wild woman. But it took 32 years to understand this. When I was with Matthew, starting my family, I was repeating my mother’s patterns; her voice always in my head, and my dad’s voice as well. I believe she gave away most of her power as well. So did her mom. So did her mom, and on and on.
I’ll just write this here. Maybe there’s a connection. I was completely ready to let Luke go the night of the new Moon and partial solar eclipse. Sara and I did our traditional New Moon ceremony, both of us wanting to manifest love, our baby girls, and rid ourselves of toxic, narcissistic men. We used pink candles and pink rose quartz and wrote on the candle what we wanted in a man who needed to very specifically find us. And so it was. Then I drove to Camella’s to help her out and on the way was overcome with a strong urge to end everything with Luke so I wouldn’t bring him in to this new cycle. So I called him, he didn’t answer, I left a message and thought it was over.
I had been dating Luke since February and was very confused by it. I met him at the onset of his transition from a very different, chaotic, unhealthy person, to him getting grounded. I hadn't wanted a relationship at all but fell for him fast and unexpectedly. Since the beginning we scrambled to find time to spend together since our children had opposite schedules and neither of us had stability of one kind or the other. I always felt like the one pursuing his attention and looking for him. Luke gets lost in the Babylon, as he calls it. We had a pregnancy scare and then he ran away. I was kind of over it at that point. But something inside me didn't want to let Luke go.
The next morning Vincent was with me since he had slept over and asked me to go to Annapurna's for breakfast. We walked over and sat outside among the blessed energy unleashed by the powerful solar eclipse. We had a conversation and everything changed again. He was talking about his friend who smokes a lot of cannabis but that he sees through the mask she is wearing to her pain, and I started to feel like I had made the wrong decision concerning Luke. People who smoke pot to hide, need us, they need love. I realized in that moment that Vincent was sending a message straight from his heart, like he was channeling Spirit, screaming at me that I made a huge mistake. I realized I wanted to be there for Luke and just commit to him and love him and see what happens. I felt really angry and scared though because this is what I wanted Luke to do for ME so I tearfully asked my brother why Luke couldn’t, and Vince said it’s because he isn’t powerful enough but you are so you need to do this. That night I went over to Luke’s house, brought him the most beautiful huge bouquet of gorgeous, symbolic flowers filled with love and got my man back. He came back. I knew he would. I knew that his spirit was whispering really softly to not let him go and that he needs me.
I left his house really early in the morning so I could make it to Wesley’s memorial. I never ended up arriving there. I got lost, so I just went home. As soon as I arrived home I was greeted by a red-tailed hawk, which I took as a potent sign of being exactly where I needed to be.
"a potent sign of being exactly where I needed to be"
…Red-tailed hawks are messages from my dad that he sends to all of us, his three kids. My brother has been guided by them which has led to a reuniting of the three of us with the purpose of sharing our stories before, during, and since our dad died. After he died, it’s like the light went out and we all hid in the dark, alone. I became addicted to attention, especially from men. Julian lost his identity and did a bunch of drugs, and Vincent lost his ability to feel and trust. He had no one to guide him, well none of us did, but he was just a baby, and I feel incredibly sad for leaving him alone…
What has unfolded has been very synchronistic, very healing, and revealing of the perfection of a path completing that was set in motion ever since Vincent and Wesley’s incident ten years ago, and the result that they couldn’t be friends anymore. Separating those two helped cause Wesley’s suicide, I’m sure of it. Basically, when we protect those we love out of fear we cause karmic harm that sometimes takes years to manifest, but we can always be sure that it will. This is why it is so imperative to choose love and not fear.
I chose to commit to loving Luke even though I was terrified that he wouldn’t choose to love me back or that I wasn’t worthy of it working out between us. The past two months I have been facing my fear of relationship failure, specifically with Luke. I felt trapped, hopeless, and not good enough. That all changed when I made the decision (without consulting Urim and Thummim) to overcome this fear and assume that it could work out, that I was good enough, and that Luke really did have the capacity to let me in and be there for me. I’m committing to all of that. I’m committing to my family, to my mother, my brothers, my sons. Above all I’m committing to myself, because not committing to myself created a void that unauthorized men all too easily filled. I suppose I authorized them. I let them in. I thought they would love me and be what I needed, but this was because I didn’t trust myself. I do now. Going to Luke to essentially tell him that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, ever, and I did it.
I now surrender to letting spirit take over and channel through me being love, and letting all else flow as it will. I am finally home, starting a new beginning and it isn’t in a place or in a man this time, it is in me.