An Intuitive's Take On Love
So here it goes. This may be the most vulnerable share I’ve ever done; and this is coming from someone who has written publicly about suicide, emotional, physical and sexual trauma. Ready for it? A completely cliche and predictable article from a single woman nearing 30.
Yup, this article is about love.
With a twist.
I want to talk about my experience with love as an intuitive.
A little more on myself as an intuitive: I am both clairvoyant and claircognizant - as far as I know. I see things often - current, past, probable; and I often just have “knowings”. A thought will come into my head, that is information about someone I couldn’t otherwise have known, and it is almost always true. I used to think I was just a good listener, until one day I was sitting with a friend and I saw her say something - sharing confidential information about someone I’d never met. When I referred to it later, she promised me she never said it out loud. In fact it was proprietary information and she wouldn’t even have shared the person’s name with me. This is an example of the way that I may receive involuntary information about people, places or situations. Your secrets may not be safe with me! Lol.
A little more more context: I really believed that men were superior to women until I got to college and became aware of the internalized sexism that stems from particular influences in my childhood that I won’t go into here. Men, in general, are a point of growth for me, in terms of being able to show up in my body and my personality without censoring myself, completely shutting down, or defaulting to an assumption that they are smarter, cooler, funnier and more accomplished than myself. I want to distinguish this from simplified “self-esteem” challenges; this is about more than self-esteem. I am a wonderfully accomplished and caring person with a lot of love in her life. I recognize this about myself and I truly believe I have great gifts to offer the world. My apprehension with men is rooted in internalized sexism.
Now, to love:
For as long as I can remember, I have had powerful associations with men that I am attracted to. That sounds ridiculous at first, because so has everyone else! What I mean to say is that I will have dreams depicting past lives with some of the men that I find attractive, or simply have clear knowings about some kind of - what I’ll refer to here as - “Soul” connection. Recently, I even had premonitions of a man that came into my life - weeks ahead of time.
To clarify, I am not attracted to many men. I’m actually incredibly selective, to the point that even my nearest and dearest call me a prude. This is partly because I’m not superficially oriented. When I feel things, I feel them as true or not/authentic or not, and I believe it has a lot to do with my spiritual “gifts”. I usually need to engage first from an authentic space in order to enjoy connection through shared humor, etc. For example, I’m not one for small talk, never have been. It makes me uncomfortable to the bone; it’s not that I don’t enjoy witty banter and clever exchanges, laughter and lightheartedness, it’s because in-authenticity physically repulses me.
Lots of men are attractive, amazing people with a lot to offer, but I only find myself pulled toward a very select few - and I mean like, in my whole life. These tend to be people I have some psychic connection to.
My first love in high school was one of these men. We were together for five years. He is a wonderful, smart, and caring person. However, I was incredibly insecure when we came together and projected so much of my sense of “safety” and “enoughness” on him that it became toxic. Also, I was clear that we had shared past lives together, so I believed he was my “Soul Mate”. Wow, if only I could educate teenage girls on the concept of soul mate and how inappropriately it’s used, creating broken hearts the world over. Here’s the thing - he was a soul mate, not the soul mate. We have so many! Most of my greatest girlfriends are my soul mates.
However, at the time that we split up it was extra devastating for me because I was under the impression that we only had one soul mate - and I was certain that he was it. This naivety compiled with the task of facing the profound insecurities I projected on our relationship, led me deep into suicidal depression, culminating in an attempt on my life about six months after our separation. This has been, thus far, one of the most serious experiences influenced by an ignorant relationship to my own intuition.
Since then, I have met a handful of men that I am certain I have shared other lives with. I’m not talking about wishful thinking, either. I remember sharing with a dear guy friend of mine how hard it was to be in company with another man who I had all of these intense emotions around, because of past life memories I saw. This friend was always talking about his own intuition and reincarnation, etc, but was incredibly quick to shut me down and assure me that I was just making my “feelings” up because I had a crush on our mutual friend. I felt ashamed about this for months. I don’t think my friend has any notion of how harmful his response was, because I trusted him to not judge me. However, it completely changed the “safety” in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it is perfectly possible to emphasize and create hype around these intuitions in order to indulge our desires that may not be meant for us. If I’m not mindful, I can confuse my psychic insight with hope.
I am still learning to decipher between information I receive and my imagination. Regardless, there are many “intuitives” walking around in the world privy to more information than this lifetime could actually present to us. It makes it very challenging to discern what information is meaningful and what isn’t; and what action, if any, needs to be taken. Perhaps my proclivity toward “everything happens for a reason” makes that discernment extra difficult. I am slowly learning, though, that just because we’ve shared lives with people before does not mean we need to engage with them here and now. Additionally, if we are meant to learn from them in this life, it may not be specifically through a romantic exchange.
One of the reasons I felt compelled to write this article is that I think our intuitive experiences are greatly minimized when they deserve to be taken very seriously.
My most recent “affair” has shaken my perception of self-worth in a big way. For the first time in my life, I had premonitions/visions/received images of a man for weeks before I met him. (I have had premonitions of women in my life that have become dear friends and work partners, but never romantic interests before). I met him at a mutual friend’s gathering and as soon as I saw him, I freaked! I actually avoided him late into the night, because I was afraid shit would get real right away if we connected. He ended up introducing himself to me as soon as we got to the after party and we immediately shared a beautiful connection - you know when you meet someone, it’s easy and joyful to be yourself around them right away, and it feels like magic? For good reasons, as soon as this began to feel serious, this guy put the brakes on. He didn’t ghost, but was super clear about his own needs, and I truly don’t believe it was about me, but that didn’t make it easier to accept. When you have premonitions of someone and they actually show up in your life, it is VERY hard to let them go. It is VERY easy to project some large significance on them, because, um, you had premonitions about them. I’m not really sure how else to say it! It feels like that person just said “fuck you” to fate. Except, really, I believe in free-will partnered with divine design, so my conception of fate isn’t even finite.
Here’s the dig. When you are already learning or remembering how to really love yourself and you’ve almost got it, having someone that your intuition says should show up for/with you, choosing otherwise is a huge set back in the self-worth arena. It’s like, “wait, but if I’m not worthy of love from the person who already loved me, I’m not worthy of any love at all!” It’s a mind-fuck and a half. Especially if you’re a Virgo Perfectionist. Just sayin'.
And it’s not true. Of course I AM LOVE, the source we’re all made from and deeply worthy of it! Yet, rejection from people you have other-life memories of can feel like double rejection. These experiences are great reflections of where I really am in terms of my relationship to and love for myself - the best teachers I could have.
I’m committed enough to leading a joyful life that I am willing to do the personal inventory and give myself the care required to reinforce my worthiness, but these blows are hard. Do others experience this too? If you don’t see past lives when you look at intimate partners, do the endings hit this hard?
Ultimately, I’m learning that regardless of our akashic records (soul histories), these lives are our own. I can’t expect anyone to move in this life according to their movement in one particular past. In fact it wouldn’t be of service if they did, and I would feel imprisoned by my past knowledge of myself if I had that expectation. The best resolution I am finding is the same thing that helps with non-attachment in general - mindfulness. It all comes down to “being able to quietly sit in a room with oneself”, in addition to my new favorite, learning that if you “argue with reality you're bound to lose”. The more I meditate, the more I accept. It sounds over simplified, but it’s not. When we over-complicate we suffer. That is one of my biggest teachings from life and men, right now.
I feel that my various encounters with these men have taught me different lessons about myself and are primarily teaching me the life-long keynotes of self-love and self-worth. Regardless of past life experiences and how they fold into this one, we are Sovereign, Whole and Soulful beings, inherently connected to all that is divine. My most recent exchange with “premonition guy” ended up lasting way beyond that first encounter, with a couple additional episodes of us trying to make it work. In his case, I practiced for the first time ever remaining open-hearted and choosing expansion over contraction in the midst of heartache. Although I am still regrouping from this relationship, I am SO grateful to myself for embracing open-heartedness and re-patterning my response to, well, failure. I have listened to friends tear this person up out of their protective love for me, and have managed to pause them and remind them that a person’s choice to act of out their own needs, even when it feels painful for others, does not make them a villain. I would rather not be in a committed relationship with someone who is terrified of commitment, or feels unable to meet me with the connection I deeply desire. Although it hurt like hell, he did me a favor by being aware of what he could and couldn’t offer. His willingness to teach me these pieces, is affirmation that he is a soul mate of mine.
My opportunity is to steep a little more deeply in my own soul and bring all the things into my life that I hoped to receive from him (or any man) in small ways. If I am desiring to hear how lovely I am from someone else, I look into the mirror and tell it to myself. If I want to feel sexy, I can buy lingerie - partnered or not. If I want to have a romantic dinner, I can easily share a beautiful meal with a good friend. I can’t expect to receive something from someone else that I’m not willing to give to myself. So I’m opening to receive goodness in all the ways it is available. All my “failures”, or falling forward in love, have been necessary for me to arrive to true receptivity.