I want to tell you that for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be your Mama. When I was just a child myself, I’d put a pillow in my belly, tennis balls at my breast, and pretend I was pregnant. My Cabbage Patch Kids were my surrogate children.
I had a chance to have you, selfishly sooner, but I couldn’t do it. Now, I wonder if I’ve selfishly waited.
Dear baby, I wonder if I’ll recognize you when you’re born. Do you think we’ve known each other in a past life? I wonder who I was and if you’ll recognize me. And though I’ve been waiting a long time to have you, I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t know what to do to care for you. I’m scared I will damage you or I won’t “raise you right”. I’m scared I won’t like you and scared you won’t like me and you’ll side with your Papa because he’s cool and chill.
Dear baby, I hope you love me the way I love my own mother. I often tell people that if my mom and I were born at the same time, we’d be best friends. Do you think you and I will be best friends?
Dear baby, at this moment we have weeks, if not mere days before you make our little family size to a 3. I am uncomfortable and I often cry now but I know I will never have this time back when it’s just the 2.5 of us. I know I need to wait to meet you, I need to slow time down just a little bit. My whole life has been rushing to the next milestone: graduation, college, graduation, first job, married, children, death. There’s so much more to fill the in-between times than I ever knew and I am torn by my rush to get there and the slowness that comes with the last few days.
Dear baby, I want to tell you something that is hard to admit: I am torn by my selfishness for wanting to be with your Papa for a while longer without you.
Your Papa and I didn’t meet until we were both pretty sure we wouldn’t find each other. It was by chance, but it could also have been by destiny, however you’d like to see it and whatever you believe when we tell you our story. I believed it all happened the way it was supposed to which is why when we decided on having you, you manifested right away.
Dear baby, as you grow up and begin to understand the world, you’ll learn that your Papa and I are very different and you’ll wonder how you came to be. That is the magic of love and how we made you.
In the end, you will be the best of both of us and whatever you might see as your shortcomings, you will have a piece of us to help you thrive
Dear baby, we are so excited to meet you and I hope we can make you proud to be our son.