Chocolate Therapy: A How-To Guide

Real talk: chocolate can fix a lot of things. I'm not so crazy as to say chocolate can fix everything, but in my experience, there isn't a lot chocolate isn't equipped to handle. Particularly, whenever it's that time of the month again and my lady parts are waging a war within me, I look to chocolate to help me through it. 

In celebration of National Chocolate Day, a holiday we truly feel is deserving of being observed by employers everywhere (cough, cough), our Founders are sharing their favorite chocolate go-to's. Whether they're PMSing, or just feeling down and in need of a pick me up (because hey, not all womyn have periods but we all having feelings), these chocolate based treats get us through the hard times. Follow these steps, and we guarantee you'll see results, too. 

Liz Haebe: The Twix Effect 

  • Step 1: Purchase many Twix bars - as many as you can carry in your two hands. 
  • Step 2: Take said Twix bars home.
  • Step 3: Unwrap several of your Twix bars.
  • Final Step: Promptly shove as many as you can into your mouth. 

Cassandra Sambrano: Brownies for Days 

  • Step 1: Purchase family sized brownie mix & Reese's peanut butter chips.
  • Step 2: At home, combine brownie mix and peanut butter chips.
  • Step 3: Prepare per instructions.
  • Step 4: Take out of oven, enjoy a piece.
  • Step 5: Continue to slowly eat the rest of the pan over the course of the week by yourself.

Nat Davis: Medicated Chocolate 

  • Step 1: Visit your favorite medical/recreational cannabis dispensary- you know, the one where they know your name (from looking at your ID), or they've got a great selection, or it's down the street from your house- during business hours. (Someday 24 hour pharmacies will look different but for now you've gotta plan ahead.)
  • Step 2: Choose your chocolate. A popular brand in Portland is Gron, who has a Pure CBD Bar (0mg THC, 5mg CBD for body aches and pain with no psychoactive effects; great for work and daily functioning) and a 1:1 Bar (4mg THC, 4mg CBD for a balanced relaxing of mind and body; happy high) easily available. Other local favorites are Peak, Laurie and MaryJane, and Not Your Granny's. If you're interested in baking or cooking your own recipes, the Cannabist's video and how-to guide for making cannabutter is easy and straightforward. Laurie and MaryJane also have a CannaKit to easily make your own cannabutter. 
  • Step 3: Break off a piece when that usually-fine-thing suddenly makes your spine scream and you need the stabbing in your abdomen to cease. Activation time: 15-45 min. 
  • Step 4: Put on some music that makes your soul sing and remember that the monthly wringing of your insides is a testament to your incredible strength, resiliency, and undying beauty. 
  • Step 5: Feel validated in your life choices knowing that you embody grace and wisdom. 
  • Step 6: Keep rockin'. 

**Cushy does not recommend the consumption of cannabis unless you, like Nat, live in a state where it is legal.

Adriana Wilson: Chocolate Chip Cookies with Walnuts 

  • Step 1: Enraged, drive to grocery store and purchase chocolate chip cookie mix and walnuts. 
  • Step 2: Quaking with fury, prepare cookies per instructions, add walnut.
  • Step 3: Stormily await cookies to finish baking.
  • Step 4: Enjoy while plotting how to take over the world.

Erin E. Barrio: Trunchbull Chocolate Cake 

  • Step 1: Pull hair into top knot and slick back any stray hairs.
  • Step 2: Drive to Whole Foods because you're not baking shit.
  • Step 3: Purchase vegan chocolate cake from bakery.
  • Step 4: Stomp through your door.
  • Step 5: Slam the cake down and yell (to no one) "I'm right, you're wrong!" 
  • Step 6: 
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